Purpose of My Life...

Understanding my purpose in life has never been clear to me. I have managed to somehow function in what is a chaotic mindset. I have two beautiful sons that watch every move I make. Every decision I bring forth results in a lesson learned for those two pairs of curious eyes. I do not know how to make sense of my life. I am a mother. I am a friend. I am a lover. I am a daughter, a sister, and a child of God. All of these roles I am able to act out each day. I never feel as if I am true to myself. What do I want? What am I seeking? Is it a thrill? Laughter, love, belonging?

Sometimes I think I have things all figured out and I know what direction I am going in. But when I look back at the road that I have traveled, I realize I have done a complete circle. I find myself back at the starting place I have tried so hard to run away from.

My sister and I had a conversation today about love. The conclusion: we are lost. I never imagined that I would one day realize I am so alone. I am alone because I choose to be. Not consciously, but I do. On the outside I appear to be the friendliest, most caring person you will ever meet. Underneath, I am an actress. I care deeply, but do not know how to let anyone care for me. I am tired of the pride. It is weighing heavily on me. I want to be so carefree and open to someone that I am just asking for heartbreak. I want someone to love my kids beyond reason. I want to open myself to God in a way I never have. I don't want to be afraid anymore. I want my life to have a meaning, a purpose.

I want someone to tell me the truth without looking down on me for it.

How do I change? I know one thing for sure. I have no clue as to the workings of a male. I have never had a male figure in my life. No dad, brother, uncle, or male cousin to give me the slightest idea of what to expect from a man. I thought I knew. My ex-fiance proved me wrong. I need help in the process of deprogramming myself that I am worthy of love. I don't know what unconditional love is. I feel as if everyone that is SUPPOSED to be there, walked away. It is hard to imagine that some stranger is supposed to walk into my life and love me unconditionally when my own family didn't deem me worth the time.

Yeah, I know, it is SO sad. I don't want pity. I want answers. I need confirmation that I am on the right path. Open my heart, open my mind to what is meant for me, God. I need you...

It's my party and I'll cry if I want to...

Not a good day today. I am feeling so weak and tired and tread upon. I feel alone and lost. Although the world sees me as this strong, black female, I can not seem to find her now. I have asked God, why did I get this mother? Why do I have to work sooo hard to have a semblance of sanity. She is selfish and greedy. She has lucked out and left the raising of her children up to whoever was near and at the time. I am sad and so damn angry. It is not fair that I continually am being deprived of little pleasures because, Why? She gets so much! They all do. They forget all about me. I do not deserve the love and admiration of those two precious little boys that call me Momma... They are waiting for me to determine the next step in their lives. I don't know the answers! I am so sick of hearing you can do it, everything will be alright. As soon as I make one step forward, someone kicks me 10 back! I have always been alone with my thoughts. I really do not care what ANYONE thinks of me. They do not care! How could the most important people in your life not care if you live or die? I have no one on this earth. The one person I know does care, I will go to hell for loving. My sons will not know the hellish childhood that I lived. I can not seem to stop the cycle. The stupid fathers do not REALLY care about me. No one even knows who I am. No one takes the time to wonder what goes through my head. Sometimes I feel as if I am the only sane person I know. Then there are times like I am having now. I am raving, bawling like I have not bawled before! What is wrong with me?

What is a family anyway? I do not know what that is. How can I build one when I know nothing about what it means to love and be loved. I have learned to stop hurting people because my heart is not able to trust. I do not trust the ones closest to me. I feel as if given the opportunity they would break me emotionally. I can not afford that. My babies need me. I can not count on anyone for anything! I feel like I am going crazy! I can not stop crying, the tears will not stop falling... My heart will not stop breaking. The lies, the deceit, the demons, the frustration, I just can not seem to bear it anymore. My back is breaking. I know this makes no sense because I am writing it exactly as I am feeling it. CRAZY! My spirit is being ripped to shreds, my life is like a show I am watching from afar, and is spinning out of my control.

God please help me to place my feet back on the ground! I need some guidance. I cant seem to hear you. I need some direction. It has gone one step beyond my reach...............................................................................

That Feeling....

Stomach flutters
Nervous excitement
Electricity in the air.
Twitch of a smile
Erupting laughter
Stolen kisses we share.
An intimate moment
A private getaway
All caution to the wind.
Heightened expectations
Sinful thoughts
Sexually aroused to no end.
Lips locked
Bodies entwined
Soul brushing soul.
Forever binding
Limitless love
Together unpredictable...

Behind the eyelid...

Behind my eyelids are vivid pictures.
Some like to call them memories.
Some like to call them dreams.
Some like to call them nightmares.

I call them truths.
When the night is calm
And the mind is clouded.
The tears come.

I can not seem to stop them.
They appear from nowhere.
The thoughts of yesteryear when
I had no say in what transpired.

Would the clouds ever clear?
Would the sun ever shine again?
God knows all pains and sorrows.
He heals all wounded hearts.

How do I allow anyone in?
I do not know where to begin
My heart and pride are my strengths.
I feel that without them I am nothing.

I do not know where to draw the line
I do not know how to live
I do not know how to heal
I do not know how to love....

Cinquain 1

God –
All-knowing, Powerful
Forgiving, Loving, Protective –
My light, my all:
Father.

the beginning...

in the beginning things were great.

i saw him, he saw me.

it was love at first sight.

the attraction was instantaneous.

what could be better?

we shared, we cared, we laughed and cried.

we touched, we sexed.

my feet never hit the ground for nearly a year.

just as quickly as these lines have ended,

so...did...we..........