Purpose of My Life...

Understanding my purpose in life has never been clear to me. I have managed to somehow function in what is a chaotic mindset. I have two beautiful sons that watch every move I make. Every decision I bring forth results in a lesson learned for those two pairs of curious eyes. I do not know how to make sense of my life. I am a mother. I am a friend. I am a lover. I am a daughter, a sister, and a child of God. All of these roles I am able to act out each day. I never feel as if I am true to myself. What do I want? What am I seeking? Is it a thrill? Laughter, love, belonging?

Sometimes I think I have things all figured out and I know what direction I am going in. But when I look back at the road that I have traveled, I realize I have done a complete circle. I find myself back at the starting place I have tried so hard to run away from.

My sister and I had a conversation today about love. The conclusion: we are lost. I never imagined that I would one day realize I am so alone. I am alone because I choose to be. Not consciously, but I do. On the outside I appear to be the friendliest, most caring person you will ever meet. Underneath, I am an actress. I care deeply, but do not know how to let anyone care for me. I am tired of the pride. It is weighing heavily on me. I want to be so carefree and open to someone that I am just asking for heartbreak. I want someone to love my kids beyond reason. I want to open myself to God in a way I never have. I don't want to be afraid anymore. I want my life to have a meaning, a purpose.

I want someone to tell me the truth without looking down on me for it.

How do I change? I know one thing for sure. I have no clue as to the workings of a male. I have never had a male figure in my life. No dad, brother, uncle, or male cousin to give me the slightest idea of what to expect from a man. I thought I knew. My ex-fiance proved me wrong. I need help in the process of deprogramming myself that I am worthy of love. I don't know what unconditional love is. I feel as if everyone that is SUPPOSED to be there, walked away. It is hard to imagine that some stranger is supposed to walk into my life and love me unconditionally when my own family didn't deem me worth the time.

Yeah, I know, it is SO sad. I don't want pity. I want answers. I need confirmation that I am on the right path. Open my heart, open my mind to what is meant for me, God. I need you...