It's my party and I'll cry if I want to...
Not a good day today. I am feeling so weak and tired and tread upon. I feel alone and lost. Although the world sees me as this strong, black female, I can not seem to find her now. I have asked God, why did I get this mother? Why do I have to work sooo hard to have a semblance of sanity. She is selfish and greedy. She has lucked out and left the raising of her children up to whoever was near and at the time. I am sad and so damn angry. It is not fair that I continually am being deprived of little pleasures because, Why? She gets so much! They all do. They forget all about me. I do not deserve the love and admiration of those two precious little boys that call me Momma... They are waiting for me to determine the next step in their lives. I don't know the answers! I am so sick of hearing you can do it, everything will be alright. As soon as I make one step forward, someone kicks me 10 back! I have always been alone with my thoughts. I really do not care what ANYONE thinks of me. They do not care! How could the most important people in your life not care if you live or die? I have no one on this earth. The one person I know does care, I will go to hell for loving. My sons will not know the hellish childhood that I lived. I can not seem to stop the cycle. The stupid fathers do not REALLY care about me. No one even knows who I am. No one takes the time to wonder what goes through my head. Sometimes I feel as if I am the only sane person I know. Then there are times like I am having now. I am raving, bawling like I have not bawled before! What is wrong with me?
What is a family anyway? I do not know what that is. How can I build one when I know nothing about what it means to love and be loved. I have learned to stop hurting people because my heart is not able to trust. I do not trust the ones closest to me. I feel as if given the opportunity they would break me emotionally. I can not afford that. My babies need me. I can not count on anyone for anything! I feel like I am going crazy! I can not stop crying, the tears will not stop falling... My heart will not stop breaking. The lies, the deceit, the demons, the frustration, I just can not seem to bear it anymore. My back is breaking. I know this makes no sense because I am writing it exactly as I am feeling it. CRAZY! My spirit is being ripped to shreds, my life is like a show I am watching from afar, and is spinning out of my control.
God please help me to place my feet back on the ground! I need some guidance. I cant seem to hear you. I need some direction. It has gone one step beyond my reach...............................................................................
posted by DiscoveringMe @ 6:48 PM
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